The search is on

"That is it! I have had it with these motherf&$#ing attachments in this motherf&$#ing Gmail!"

Who'da thunk it would be the attachments that finally broke me.

I've been using Gmail since it still ran on carrier pigeons (The Delta Force of the Pigeon Rank corps) and I believe that gives me the right to bitch and moan about the ludicrously long development cycle of the service.

I hate to be the one to say this but we've been far too forgiving.

Gmail was new, Gmail was novel, Gmail was the next big thing. So we forgave trespasses and we shouldered bugs. We, the loyal, effectively allowed Google to get lazy, and I'll be the first to say mea culpa (But you should be saying it too).

Gmail is no longer offering a mailbox that is an order-of-magnitude larger than the competition. Gmail is no longer the most innovative or intuitive. Gmail is, decidedly, no longer the "Next Big Thing" and even more importantly; Gmail is no longer "un-evil"

Google's computers read my mail (and yours) and use our most intimate and private data to custom-tailor ads for us (Both within Gmail and in the vast wasteland that is Google's Adwords partner sites). I'm not here to propose that Google should reinvent themselves as a commune but if I'm going to let you violate my privacy (And to a degree that were it not explicitly sanctioned would be tantamount to e-rape) then I expect something dramatically better than Gmail's current manifestation.

The fact that Gmail was the forbearer of all major webapps (And Guiding Light of AJAX Implementation back when "Ajax" still meant a football team from Amsterdam) would be reason enough to be pissed at Google for not implementing a Gmail Offline feature, but releasing an Offline Toolkit for the whole goddamned world before implementing it where it's most needed is just adding insult to injury. Seriously, überkudos to RememberTheMilk and all but the place I actually need offline functionality is in my mail application. This still isn't what broke me.

The fact that every message that is even somewhat useful is either in my inbox or archived in the garbage-bin "All Mail" category (Unless of course I "star" or "label" it) pisses me off too. Sorry to tell you this, Google, but you really charliefoxtrotted that one. Folders exist because they are a natural and comfortable method of archiving. The fervor you display for reinventing the wheel is adorable but, in this case, misguided. You clearly wanted to differentiate yourselves from Microsoft's outlook but lest we forget, email went into "Folders" back when we still accessed it via terminals. Having said that, the archiving scheme annoys me, but it isn't what broke me either.

What broke me were the attachments, or rather, Google's unwillingness to implement a halfway decent attachment uploading system.

What really did it was the hubris the Gmail folks displayed in bragging about raising the maximum size allowed for attachments to 20 megabytes before giving us the one feature we've all been asking for (demanding even) before we can consider Gmail a viable mail platform. I refer of course to an upload progress bar.

That's it?

Yes, That's it.

How in the name of all that is good and holy am I supposed to entrust you with over 20 million bytes of my precious upstream bandwidth when all I get in return is an annoying little red rectangle in the upper-right corner that statically informs me, as if doing me a favour, that it may or may not be "sending" my message (It fails more than a third of the time, by the way).

I stopped sending attachments over 20k in size ages ago but all the while I was just sitting patiently, assuming that this feature will be implemented soon enough. I've waited and waited but it's been years already.

I can honestly say this one single feature (Or lack thereof) has generated a measure of animosity towards Google that I honestly didn't know I was capable of. Where I once used to extol their ingenuity, I now curse their dogged laziness. Where once I propagandized and evangelized I now steer away those not yet trapped.

Where once there was love now remains but a shadow.

It is exactly because of all this that I say now that I am wholeheartedly seeking an alternative, hence the title; "The search is on."

Like the Great State of Vermont's Assembly, I propose secession with the goal of future readmission into a corrected and more perfect union (And if you didn't get that reference then you don't spend enough time on reddit). I shall continue to use Gmail in the meanwhile (Since I'm so deeply entrenched) but my goal is to get the users of Gmail to realise that the Google Reality Distortion Field should have fully waned by now.

Gmail is no longer the adorable child that needs coddling and forgiveness, it is a mature application and adults should be held to a higher standard of behaviour.

That's all for today folks, updates as they come.

- Oren

Hanan Cohen's BlogBios

Behold the Israeli Blogosphere in its most complete video portrayal to date.

I'm at the 6:15 mark (Give or take a few seconds)

And, as always, thanks to Hanan for giving us a useful service we never even knew we needed :)

On the "Export" of Democracy

It has recently occurred to me that out of the plethora lies unleashed by the Bush Administration there is one repeated declaration that is firmly rooted in truth.

A declared goal of this administration is "Exporting Democracy," and they are indeed doing that in the very strictest sense.

In economic terms an "export" is a commodity removed from one entity and brought into another. The Bush Administration is hugely successful in the first part of the equation, namely, removing democracy from the United States. Evidence of this is rampant as Americans have been increasingly losing their individual civil liberties, at times unbeknownst to them (And the fate of non-citizens held in detention by the United States is decidedly worse).

Keeping in mind that an export need not necessarily find a market on the receiving end - as is the case with Iraq and Afghanistan - to qualify for the title, I'd say this would be Bush's single-most resounding success in the achievement of his war goals.

God (please) bless America (it's in dire need),

- Oren

Straight from Beirut

Here's a little brain-fart that occured during a chat with my favourite Lebanese undergrad, Lamia;

Fuck (n., v., adj., adv., etc.) - The bastard lexical offspring of a can of WD-40 and a roll of Duct Tape.

Mos Def Died!

Snappy headline, huh?

Before you start lighting candles and producing video obits on YouTube, I'd like to assure you that Mos is still very much alive. The reason I assumed he must have died is that I can't see any other way for him to get reincarnated into a skinny white chick in Jerusalem. Ok, "Chick" might have been the wrong choice of words (As I'm sure her post-pubescent son would attest to) but she's definitely skinny (and whiter than a klansman on coke).

Her name is Hadara (Of 'Levin Areddy' fame) and some of you may already know her from her two previous albums, both in english.

So. We've established that I met her, right? Ask me how!

No.

Seriously.

Ask already!

Readers: "Ok! Ok! Chillax, Oren... How in the name of all that is good and decent did you get to meet a successful, award-winning singer/songwriter of international acclaim?"

Oren: "Behold the Miracle of MySpace!"

Readers: "But MySpace is like... Umm... Gay! No?"

Oren: "Gayer than 'Liberace on Ice,' but not without its merits."

Readers: "Please elaborate, Oren."

I shall dearest readers. I shall.

It all started when my beloved country decided to become a Comment Whore.

To those not familiar with the term, a "Comment Whore" is a user in an online community which seems to thrive on comments left on their page or site. The title usually applies only to Teenage Girls, Pervy Old Dudes and, well, me. But now the state of Israel has gone and joined us. Up until now the only things I've had in common with my country have been a birthday and a shared bank account (In which the country has between a 30 and 50 percent stake, depending on how good a month it's been). As lovely as it was to be born on the Israeli Independence Day, save for a nice fireworks show that until I was about 9 I believed to be dedicated entirely to me, not much has come of this coincidence.

Until now, that is.

Apparently, my jesting comment on Israel's MySpace profile which completely coincidentally mentioned our shared birthday caught the eye of yet another falafel-muncher with a private annual fireworks show. Can you guess who that is?

Hadara indeed.

So. Girl sees boy. Girl sends boy message saying "Tee-Hee! that's my birthday too! come to my concerts!" boy says "Tee-Hee! That's cool! I already like your music! come to my blog!" - anyways, blah blah blah; Girl and boy decide to go on a platonic "Date."

After the requisite exchange of MySpace messages evolve into a regular email conversation and subsequently into a phone call (To establish that I'm not a registered sex offender, stalker or vegan, I presume) we decide to meet up at a bar in Jerusalem. Luckily for me, the bar in question is hosting a band I actually like so I can lip-synch the correct lyrics and thus fake a knowledgability of sorts in the local indie-scene. After attempting valiantly to introduce her two friends in direct competition with the 6-gazillion-decibel output of the speakers, I gesture to the door in my best attempt at SLCISL (Standard Loud Concert International Sign Language) by covering my ears, shutting my eyes and rocking my head back and forth, then pointing to the door. We step outside, after my ears re-adjust and I can again hear sounds softer than a jumbo-jet crashing into an amphitheater, I ask her who her friends are. She tells me that the younger guy is the brilliant and gifted musician that she was just rehearsing with and which she bumped into at the bar completely by accident, and that her other friend is the one she had told me she was coming with. Armed with this knowledge we re-entered the bar where I proceeded to feign intoxication since she said she won't open up unless I get as drunk as her (And she was three sheets to Katrina by this stage).

After an amazing concert where I got the unique experience of having a gifted musician resample the songs I was hearing in realtime, whispering background vocals straight into my ears (Although she was probably screaming rather than whispering since I could actually hear her, but in contrast to those speakers it sounded like a lullaby) - and believe me her additions dramatically improved songs that I already liked - we departed for another bar.

As interesting as our three-way conversation at the new bar was (Her friend turned out to be just as interesting as she was), the really cool part was the ride there; That's where Mos died...

Somehow (Perhaps I was drugged, and if so, I can only thank her for spiking my drinks with free drugs) I managed to form a really decisive opinion on her next album even though the [insert four letter word, starting with "c" and ending with three letters of your choice] only let me hear snippets. I got to listen to two full songs and then a few small fragments of some of her other songs, but since this was unreleased material I still felt quite privileged.

The first thought I had upon hearing the first song (And which I was silly enough to utter out loud) was "Shit! That Noa Faran girl really grew up quick!" - Hadara was not amused. I assured her that I was just surprised by the transition from her predominantly folks-y-ish-esque (Listen to her stuff and you'll understand all those dangling 'semi-quasifiers' - to coin a term) english material to... umm... This?!

I mean it was excellent music; Catchy as hell, impeccably arranged, intensely fun to listen and many other labels that should never apply to a folk musician's works, but above all the real shocker was in what can only be described as the "Bling Quotient."

You simply must appreciate the juxtaposition; On the one hand, sitting not 2 feet from me was a diminutive jewish woman, dressed like all those former hippies who at one point or another adopted a more refined sense of style but still liked to keep their appearance "real" by strategically accessorizing and adding a few unexpected flashes of color, whereas on the other hand, the car-stereo is blasting a Semitic version of Mary J. Blige's & Gwen Stefani's lesbian love-child - as remixed by DJ Shadow using Bran Van 3000 samples. Weird shit, I tell ya...

Confused as I was, Hadara decided to fan the flames; Switching back and forth between songs at an inspiring speed, she took me to all her favourite spots in the CD and the experience was no less than a revelation. This was definitely the kind of shit that gets on a playlist, and I mean all of it. That in and of itself isn't all that hard in Israel - hell, Roni Superstar manages to get her entire fucking CD on the playlist - but the difference was that this album wasn't just catchy, it was also excellent music by any definition. This was not the work of a white girl pretending to be ghetto; The music was inspired, the lyrics mellifluous and meaningful and the production was almost perfect (Easily forgiven since the album is still in production). I hate sounding like a raving sycophant (And yes, I'm wearing that word out on this blog) but I can't find the words to describe how much I liked what I heard. I'm silently hoping that all the parts she fast-forwarded over are actually complete rubbish just so I'll have an excuse in case it turns out that I totally misheard it due to the alchohol or something, but I sincerely doubt that.

Luckily for me, she liked me just enough to invite me to listen to the album in its entirety, so soon enough I'll know for sure (although, for obvious reasons she won't let me keep a copy - she even had the audacity to tell me that I can buy it once it's released. Capitalist whore. I thought we were friends?!), but until then, dearest readers - since I'm one of only a select few to have heard it - you'll have to take my inebriated hearsay evidence as gospel on this one... And as for the rest of our "Date," well, frankly, insomuch as a Gentleman does not kiss and tell, that rule also applies to the opposite, for the benefit of the 'masculine mystique'...

-Oren Goldschmidt (Shakin' that ass...)

Hadara's Website (http://www.hadara.co.il/)

The Half Hour Waste of Half an Hour

My readers will (I can only hope) have discerned by now that I lean towards the political left. And by lean I mean slant. And by slant I mean topple over leftwards with delightful gusto.

Having said that; I am, to the best of my knowledge, a breed of liberal that is neither overly judgemental nor particularly elitist. I can appreciate valid points made by conservatives and have found myself right of center in matters of either Security or Finance - although very rarely (and never on fundamental social issues). I consider the ability to sway in the face of circumstance to be a sign of rational thought and attempt to judge issues on their own merits rather than subscribe to the hive mentality prevalent in both extremes of the political spectrum. When I state that I lean very far to the left it is because I happen to find myself agreeing with the left on nearly all issues, but I'd like to think this came about through conscious reflection rather than reflex.

My lack of haste in judgement does however have its limits, and there is one organization in the world that consistently pushes me far, far, far past the line; FOX NEWS.

This alleged 'News' network is nothing short of diabolical; I genuinely believe that at its helms are a gaggle of devil-worshipping, child-molesting, puppy-skinning, nun-raping vegans.

So as not to invoke Godwin's I shall avoid bringing it to the point of Argumentum ad Hitlerum - but I will state that were Goebbels alive today he would orgasm in applause of the skillful execution of his communications ethos.

When they get a break from autofellating to the thought of a homosexual love-triangle between themselves, Jack Bauer and Sen. Joseph McCarthy (Occasionally allowing a fourth gay man, Ann Coulter, to enter their fantasies), the execs over at Rupert's Braindeath Nebula keep looking for new and varied ways to inundate the minds of their most stereotypical of viewers with rehashed and repackaged propaganda. They seem though not to realise that they are quite literally insulting their target demographics.

Fox's most profitable target demographic is the Middle-aged, college-educated, affluent, patriotic, conservative professional. Most of those labels - in due moderation - imply an above-average intelligence. If one were to go by their programming and casting decisions, one could only deduce that Fox is attempting to actively drive this lucrative demographic away. Fox pander to a stereotype so far beneath the common denominator that one would have to look downwards from the viewpoint of an amoeba to see a lifeform within their target IQ. They assume their viewers to lack in cerebral functions to the extent that one might suspect that their impassioned defense of Terri Schiavo's right to stay plugged-in was due to their belief that their viewers most likely sported even less cognitive abilities than she did.

Now that I'm (almost) done bashing the dimwitted fascists (there, done) over at Fox, I'd like to share with you their latest contribution to American Culture. Fox, in a move that would perhaps under different circumstances seem almost inspired, decided to create a weekly satirical fake-news show along the lines of the Daily Show. Any similarity between said decision and actual 'reality' (You know, the one with the 'liberal bias') is not only coincidental, but downright non-existent.

The 'Half Hour News Hour' is perhaps the most pathetic excuse for comedy in the history not only of television, but possibly even comedy itself; It's too lame even to mock. Traditionally, when something this terrible comes out, it slowly gains a certain cult following that heralds it as 'So bad it's good!'

No such danger for this load of excrement.

This show simply sucks in ways that any pornstar would truly and deeply envy. I think the word 'sucks' simply could not be imbued with enough meaning to truly convey how painfully terrible this show truly is; I think we must invent a new verb altogether for such a degree of suckery - I would propose "Xfigelecks" since nothing manmade shall ever suck so bad as to warrant reuse of the word, and thus we need not waste a combination of letters that may someday prove useful.

Fox have not only decided that their viewers are in rapidly advancing vegetative states, no; they have now added insult to injury by asserting that their viewers have a sense of humour so unevolved as to make 'Knock Knock' jokes utterly incomprehensible to them.

This is the time for you, the intelligent, self-respecting conservative to say "Bye Bye" (Caring to keep it monosyllabic, of course) to the fine folks over at Fox. We Godless liberals may believe that you descended from a Chimpanzee, but give us some credit; At least we don't behave like you still are one.

-Oren Goldschmidt
(Also; just for fun - something just as funny and intelligent as the 'Half Hour News Hour')

Stuck between Iraq and a Bad Pun...

Dear Democrats,

I speak today to those members of the United States Democratic Party who were foolish enough to pursue public office, the most notable of which is Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Every time the question of why you supported Dubya's entry into Iraq comes up you all seem to squirm and contort, your facial expressions morphing through a cycle of quizzical-discombobulation leading to nauseated-indignation by way of martyred-innocence, repeated ad - well, frankly -nauseum again....

This shit has got to stop and it has got to stop very, very soon.

There is an answer to that question, a very simple answer, even, and were you not eternally engulfed in the fog of public opinion polls parsed by the paranoid, pseudo-rational machinations and dime-a-dozen insights of your ill-advised advisers you would have probably seen the light eons ago.

The only legitimate answer to 'Why did you vote to send troops to Iraq?" is this;

"They lied to me too."

-Oren Goldschmidt (delighted to get off of Google for a post or two...)